


Secrets and Lies

by AnonymousKamalaFan



Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, John Carter needs a hug, OG Cast, Past Sexual Abuse, S08 E16: Secrets and Lies, episode rewrite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:42:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26290579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnonymousKamalaFan/pseuds/AnonymousKamalaFan
Summary: When during a game Carter reveals something disturbing from his past, how will the ER team handle it?This is basically a rewrite of the episode by the same name but with the original cast instead and Carters revelation is handled like it should have been.
Relationships: John Carter/Carol Hathaway, John Carter/Doug Ross, John Carter/Mark Greene (ER TV 1994), Peter Benton/John Carter
Comments: 13
Kudos: 46





	Secrets and Lies

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of AU and is basically a rewrite of the episode of the same name. I didn't like how they handled Carters revelation of how he lost his virginity so I wrote it with how I feel the OG cast would have reacted if they were told it instead.
> 
> TW; Past Sexual Abuse and mentions of Rape. 
> 
> None of the characters are mine.

Doug, Mark, Benton, Carol and Carter were all in a classroom waiting for a sexual harassment seminar to start. It should have started about half an hour ago but the guy who was running it was stuck in traffic according to the receptionist. Why were the members of the ER here instead of working on a trauma? Kerry Weaver had walked in on an unfortunate inappropriate moment, where Doug Ross, Mark Greene and Carol Hathaway had been going through a dominatrixes bag that she had left behind and Carter and Benton had been in the wrong place at the wrong time (whether that was intentional or not is still something up for debate). Hence all of them were dotted around the room, with various expressions of exasperation. Doug Ross was the first to break.

“Let’s play a game!” 

Ross clapped his hands together and walked to the front of the room. Carter looked up with slight intrigue and Carol Hathaway face palmed knowing this couldn’t be good.

“Wasn’t it your games that got us in this situation in the first place Doug?” Mark Greene said looking meaningfully at Doug, indicating he should drop the plan that was so clearly formulating in his mind.

“Oh come on Mark, have you looked outside? The guy that’s supposed to lead this thing isn’t going to be here for at least an hour, let’s have some fun?”

Doug looked around the room and caught Carters curious gaze.

“Look Dr Carter’s intrigued, aren’t you Carter?”

Carter looked like he’d been caught stealing as he sat up straight and glanced nervously around the room his gaze lingering on Dr Benton who seemed uninterested in the conversation at hand and was instead staring out of the window. 

“Uh wh-What kinda game were you thinking Dr Ross?” he responded realising the man was waiting on a response. Doug grinned mischievously as he knew that now he had Carter on board the others would play along.

“Well Dr Carter, seeing as we are here for a sexual Harassment seminar I was thinking we could play a fun edition of 21 questions! We would get to know each other a little better and y’know bond and all that” Doug explained gesturing about. Carol looked up and realised there was nothing better to do so she might as well entertain Dougs clear need to play this game.

“Alright, who’s going first?” Mark asked also relenting to the paediatricians whims. A deep voice spoke from the corner

“Why doesn’t Carter go first, seeing as he was so eager?” Benton cast a cold look in his students direction and Carter looked at him open mouthed not quite believing that everyone had agreed to this so easily. 

“Great idea Peter! Carter I’ll ask the questions and they’ll be to do with, well Sex to stay on theme” Doug grinned he was enjoying this especially now that Peter Benton had also joined in. 

“Uhh, I don’t know” Carter shifted uncomfortably in his seat immediately feeling nervous as everyone turned to look at him.

“Oh come on Carter everyone’s gonna do it, who cares who goes first” Carol tried to coax him along. She could tell he was slightly reluctant but she just blamed that on the fact that he had to go before anyone else. Carter looked around and realised he basically didn’t have a choice so he nodded slightly, giving Doug the ammunition he needed to start his interrogation. 

“Alright I’ll start and then if anyone else has some good questions feel free to jump in, So Carter when was your first kiss?” Doug decided to start with a softball.

“Uh 10 years old? Yh I think I was 10”

“Who was the girl?” Carol jumped in.

“Her name was Lindsay and she wasn’t really a girl” Carter glanced down at his hands. That comment was a mistake. It was gonna open a can of worms he didn’t really want opened.

“Whats that supposed to mean?” Mark asked quietly. Carter remained silent not looking up, he didn’t really want to answer and he hoped Dr Greene would drop it. Thanks to Doug Ross either not hearing Mark or ignoring him, it seemed he had to. 

“Next question, what’s the most glamorous place you’ve done it?” 

Carter breathed a sigh of relief and looked up seeing Mark now looking disapprovingly at Doug. He tried to think of an answer to the question and responded with

“I think the penthouse suite of a hotel probably”

Doug Ross let out a whistle, a sign he was impressed. Carter heard some rustling beside him and saw Benton looking at him intently. He wasn’t sure why he was getting that look but he ignored it and looked back at Doug who was arguing with Mark about the appropriateness of the questions. Ignoring them Carol asked Carter

“When did you loose your virginity Carter?” 

Ross let out a bark of laughter as Mark turned to her with a shocked expression. She looked back at him innocently murmuring “It was bound to be asked eventually”

“11” Carter responded shortly. A hush fell over the room. 3 out of the 4 people giving their young colleague apprehensive looks. Ross however didn’t seem to get the hint

“Oooh Early bird gets the worm huh Carter? Was this with Lindsay or were you a ladies man already?”

Carter started to fidget with his hands under the table. They were getting close again. The can, it was close to being opened. He started to regret agreeing to play this game.

“Yeah it was with Lindsay” He responded softly. 

“How old was she?” Carter was shocked to hear Dr Bentons voice ask the question that he had been afraid of. The silence was deafening as everyone waited for him to answer. God, he hated this. He would say it, they would laugh or worse congratulate him and he would again feel his pain he felt, when he thought of those moments, was irrational and that there was nothing wrong. But the question had been asked and he doubted Doug Ross would move past it, seeing as it would be a nice bit of gossip to spread around the ER. 

“Carter?” Carol urged kindly. She could tell something was bothering her young colleague and she had a feeling most of the people in the room knew what it was. 

Carter took a deep breath and told them,

“She was 25.” The penny dropped for everyone, including Ross, and the tension in the room became thick. The mood dropped and if you asked any of them, they would tell you they noticed the room darken suddenly. 

“She was the maid, and y’know sh-She was hot, I guess. Brunette and brown eyes and she was always in my room so” he let out a choked laugh as he rambled slightly, hoping to cut some of the tension, hoping to move on without anyone making him feel too bad about himself.

“Carter” it was Benton who said something first. Benton noted Carters discomfort and the fact that he hadn’t looked up once since this line of questioning began. He glared at Ross, realising if they hadn’t started this stupid game Carter wouldn’t have been put in such a vulnerable position. Benton tried again, trying to make his voice softer “Carter.”

Carter looked up at that. If he wasn’t mistaken, he detected softness in his mentors tone. Something he had never heard before today, especially directed at him. What shocked him further was that Benton was looking at him with concern. Over what, Carter had no idea.

“Carter, you do know, I mean that,” Benton couldn’t seemed to find the words for it, being ‘comforting’ wasn’t really a strong suit of his. But he had to let Carter know that “That wasn’t right man.” Benton looked into the confused stare of Carter and then looked around desperately for help from his colleagues. 

“I think what Peter is trying to say” Mark Greene swooped in, “is” Mark paused. What was Peter trying to say? What was he trying to say? He wasn’t entirely sure what Carter believed about how he lost his virginity but Mark wasn’t sure whether he wanted to break the illusion Carter might have. What good would it do? But Mark Greene steeled himself as he reasoned that Carter could be hurting and he deserved to talk about that hurt. So Mark would give him that chance.

“What that Maid did ,Carter, was not consensual.” There he had said it. He looked towards Carter for a reaction. The young man seemed to consider this for a moment. 

“What are you saying she raped me?” Carter scoffed. Mark looked at Carter until he made eye contact with him and said,

“Yeah Carter. I’m sorry”

“Dr Greene, I didn’t say no, it wasn’t rape” Carter laughed looking around at his colleagues. Sure he had always felt uncomfortable about the encounter but he’d never considered it to be rape. He had been upset and she came to comfort him, one thing led to another and it had happened, he’s sure if he had wanted he could have stopped her. 

“Carter, you were 11, I don’t think there’s any state that has a law saying the age of consent for sex is 11” Doug Ross piped up this time. His voice was cold and harsh. It certainly wasn’t towards Carter but rather the person who had done this to him and was also due to the frustration that Carter had deemed this okay for so long. It made him angry that his young colleague had to deal with this for so long, presumably alone.

Peter Benton glanced at Ross surprised at the anger in his voice. Although he was feeling a lot of the same anger. Most of it directed towards the Carters parents. How could they let this happen under their own roof? By one of their workers? They were probably to wrapped up in the family business to notice. Benton kept his eyes on Carter, who was starting to shake his head and breathe heavily, trying to gage what was going through his mind. 

“You’re wrong” Carter whispered. It was the only thing he could do at this point. I mean what else could he do? He couldn’t accept that this had happened on top every other issue that had stemmed from his parents abandonment now he’s finding out he was possibly sexually abused? 

“Carter I know this is hard for you, and it’s a lot to process, especially after so long, but you can’t live in denial. That’s gonna do you more harm than good” Carol said moving towards him. Mark also moved to Carter and crouched down in front of him, trying to catch his eye. 

“Carter if a young girl aged 11 came to the hospital and said that the 25 year old driver had sex with her, would you see that as consensual?”

Carter closed his eyes. He knew the answer, of course he knew the answer and he knew it was no different if a young boy said it. But if he admitted he was that young boy, what then? It wasn’t like he could prosecute the lady it had been over 10 years. When Bobby died and his parents had left he hadn’t felt good enough. It was bad enough his brother had made him promise to keep his mother happy but when they left him, he looked for approval in anyone. No matter how hard they were to please Carter would try his best to get them to like him, appreciate him, just to replace the affection he had lost from his parents. Now, he realised, he had done it to a fault. He sought approval so desperately he had given his innocence to a random stranger. It was his fault.

“God. It’s all my fault” Carter had said it quietly but everyone had heard. Doug has a scowl on his face and Mark frowned. But it was Peter Benton who spoke up.

“Carter, look at me” he used his teacher voice that Carter always refused to disobey and this time was no different. He looked up at his mentor with tears in his eyes and it took all of Peters strength not to pick the kid up and hide him far, far away from the cruelties of the world. 

“This was not your fault. Not in the slightest. No matter what you did, what you said, what you may have been thinking, this was NOT your fault. The only person to blame is that woman. She was 25 years old Carter, she knew better” 

Benton looked Carter in the eyes trying to convey his sincerity. Carter couldn’t believe how genuine Benton was being. It was rare moments like these that led Carter to push thorough whatever abuse was hurled at him by his teacher, because these moments showed Benton cared. Truly. 

He nodded slowly but suddenly his breathing became shorter and faster. His mind started to become clouded, and his body became numb. His vision blurred and he could hear someone calling him from far away, or were they close? He didn’t know but the doctor in him managed to realise he was having a panic attack before his irrational thoughts took over and the only thing he could think of was that he was going to die.

Ross noticed it first. As Carter was nodding at Benton his breathing became shallow, eyes unfocused. He pushed past Benton and snapped his fingers in front of his eyes. When Benton saw the lack of response, he realised what was happening and moved to the side of Carter ready to catch him, if he fell unconscious. Carol was checking his pulse and Mark stood back as Doug tried to get Carters attention.

“Hey Carter, buddy, hey look at me”

It wasn’t working, the interns eyes were still unfocused and his breathing was not getting any better. Thinking for a second, Doug grabbed Carters hand and put it on his own chest.

“John” he said slowly. He could see Carter react to that so he continued. “I know you can feel the rate of my heart, now that’s what your heart rate needs to get down to too, so I need you to follow my breaths okay?” 

He could see what seemed like a nod so Doug started taking deep breaths, with Carters hand still on his chest, urging him to follow along. Mark watched carefully as Carter slowly started to follow Dougs breathing,

“That’s great Carter, now I want you to breathe deeply okay?” Carter managed to follow this instruction and started breathing huge gulps of air. His pale pallor had become slightly rosier, as he gained back the colour he had lost. Benton watched with baited breath as Carter’s eyes slowly gained recognition and fluttered. However after 20 minutes of hyperventilating, he started to lose his battle with consciousness and fell into Peters arms. Peter caught him and lowered him to the ground slowly, putting him in the recovery position, cushioning his head with the jacket he had taken off. 

“What are his vitals?” Peter asked Carol while trying to stretch Carters legs out properly so they wouldn’t cramp. 

“Pulse is normal but temps a little high, from what I can tell” Carol rattled off looking at Benton. The entire ER staff knew Benton had a soft spot for Carter, despite his actions that would suggest otherwise. Mark returned from wherever he had gone with a water bottle. Peter took it gratefully and sprinkled some water on Carters face to try and cool him down and wake him up.

Slowly Carter’s eyes fluttered open and he let out a groan as he woke up.

“What happened?”

“You passed out and had us all scared to death is what happened” Bentons firm but worried voice stated. He gave his student a once over and looked to Carol for confirmation that his vitals were still normal. When she nodded back at him he stood up and went to put the  
Water bottle on a table near by. He didn’t want to see the realisation in Carters eyes when he remembered why he passed out. It was already too much having to see him realise it once, he couldn’t do it again. 

Carter tried to get up but Marks voice stopped him

“I’d give it a minute Carter, just rest for a sec” hearing this Carter laid back and tried to remember what had lead to him passing out. 

“What happened? H-how did-“ he cut himself off as it came back to him. He looked up at the sympathetic looks he was getting from 3 of his colleagues and simply said

“Oh. Yeah.” his voice cracking on the last word. Carol couldn’t take it any more, she knew that now Carter realised and accepted what had happened, all the kid needed was comfort. She grabbed his hand and helped him into a sitting position and then sat down and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. Carter, clearly grateful, hid his face in her neck and started sniffling. Mark came up behind him and crouched beside Carol and rubbed Carters back, while Doug sat in front and patted his shoulder. It was Benton ruffling Carters hair from behind mumbling a soft “Let it out Carter” that pushed him over the edge, as his sniffles transformed into heartbreaking sobs, that filled everyone, even the stone cold Benton, with a deep sinking feeling of regret and helplessness. 

***

The man who was meant to lead the seminar had still not come, even after Carter had calmed down. The doctors were all now sitting around their colleague, with Carol sitting beside him massaging his hand and Benton sitting on the other side slightly ahead of him, giving the impression of a lion protecting its cub. Doug and Mark sat in front. All of them were unsure what they were waiting for. Eventually Carter was the one to break the silence.

“I always knew there was something that didn’t sit right with me about it” the ‘it’ went unelaborated, everyone knowing what he was talking about. “I told my cousin once. He didn’t see it as a big deal. I think we were 16 when I told him and he laughed, congratulated me like it was an achievement.” Benton scoffed lightly. “I don’t think it was his fault. I mean, we were both young, he probably didn’t know.” He sighed, resigned. “I think the only other person I would have wanted to tell would have been Bobby” Carol held his hand firmly “but he had died, right when it had happened” 

Suddenly it clicked for Doug Ross and boy, if he wasn’t mad before, he certainly was now. This maid had taken advantage of a grieving young boy who had just lost his brother to cancer. No wonder no one had noticed, she had picked the perfect time. It had been planned. 

“I’m sorry Carter.” Mark said having no other words. He could see both Doug and Peters jaws clenched and he could tell they were angry. Hell, He was angry as well, but at this point anger wouldn’t help Carter. That’s not what he needed.

“I guess” Carter paused considering his next words, whether he should open up to people who were essentially just his colleagues. But he realised they had taken the time to listen and to be concerned and care for him, and that was more than he could say for his real family. 

“I guess, I just liked the feeling of not being rejected, of someone actually wanting to be with me. I mean Bobby died and my parents left and I was about to be shipped off to boarding school. It was my last chance to be wanted so” he paused and took in a deep breath “I took it” his voice still cracked. He rubbed his eyes. He’d had enough of crying. He put his head on Carols shoulder and slowly drifted off, not wanting to see anyone after baring his soul so openly. The doctors all looked down helplessly, as Carol stroked the young mans head. They all vowed at that moment to protect Carter with all their power, for as long as they could. 

***

About another hour later the receptionist came in and told them that the guy running the seminar had decided to reschedule as he wouldn’t be able to make it in for a reasonable time. Peter looked down at his lap where Carter had been shifted when Carol needed to pee. He shook his shoulder lightly “Carter” and a little louder when he saw the lack of response “Carter!”  
Carter sat up almost colliding with Bentons head, and looked around wearily. He saw Drs Ross and Green and Carol looking ready to go, all of them looking down at him with soft expressions. He then turned when he heard a cough behind him and it struck him who’s lap he had been sleeping on. 

“Dr Benton, Uh I- I’m sorry” he coughed awkwardly trying to cover the slight blush on his cheeks. 

“ Don’t worry about it Carter, it’s been a long day” Benton said gently and then smirked “Just make sure you don’t go blabbering about my ‘soft side’ to anyone at the hospital.” Carter laughed gratefully and stood up, with Benton watching him carefully, and made his way to his stuff. As they all filtered out of the building they realised that despite not having an actual seminar, they had learnt a hell of a lot and walked away with a a stronger bond and a greater understanding of the young pup of the ER.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it, please leave comments and kudos and maybe I'll write more ER fanfic? This is my first so we'll see how it goes!


End file.
